Autism

Identifying as autistic at 35

This post is soley based on my own feelings, experiences and opinions. I am by no means an expert on autism, I just want to share my thoughts as this is something important to me and maybe it can help someone out there that may be questioning if they are also on the spectrum. There is no real structure to what I want to say so I apologise in advance if this post gets abit rambly.

I’ve spent my whole life feeling different, weird, never fitting in anywhere and putting it down to anxiety, depression, trauma. So many of the things I’ve been masking for years or dealing with, coping with, I always put down to being triggers from trauma or just weird things that I do, things that need fixing that I have never been able to fix. Spending 35 years of my life feeling broken, like I need fixing isn’t fun at all and although most will think that being autistic is something to be ashamed of or feel sad about, it has been the most freeing and import realisation I have ever had.

So what made me consider that I might actually be autistic? Even after having 2 of my children officially diagnosed with ASD (autism spectrum disorder) I still never seriously thought that I could be on the spectrum too. It did cross my mind a few times but not enough for me to investigate more into it and it’s really something I wish I had done years ago.

Someone from outside of the family had an hour long conversation with me and asked me if I was diagnosed with ASD too (aswell as my children), where most people would feel rude suggesting such a thing she had no problems in telling me she thought I was autistic and I’m glad that she did because it sparked something in me to look into it properly for the first time. The first thing I did was see a GP (doctor) and request a referal for ASD diagnosis which I was flatly refused. This sent me spiralling in the opposite direction of OK maybe I’m not autistic then. Shame on that doctor, he had no right to refuse my referral and one day I may re-try to get one and get an official diagnosis but it really isn’t a priority for me. I’m happy with where I’m at and having officials write what I already know on paper for me isn’t going to change anything.

I did have a period of feeling like I needed an official diagnosis to really believe it for myself but I’m past that now and I will be linking to the various websites, youtubers and books that has helped me on my journey so far. The first youtube video I watched when I started my research had me in tears because all of it just made so much sense to me, I am not broken, this is who I am and there is no need to hide it anymore.

I will be writing more specific posts about different aspects of my autism on here soon, I just wanted to kick this off and put it out there. Here are some links to check out if you are suspecting that you might be on the spectrum too:

https://psychology-tools.com/test/autism-spectrum-quotient

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/18324004-i-think-i-might-be-autistic

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